Why Parents Hate Parenting and How Childfree Friends Can Change That

The most emailed article in New York magazine right now is Why Parents Hate Parenting. It mentions studies that show parents are less happy than their childfree counterparts and that when it comes to the pleasurability index, mothers prefer watching TV, napping, shopping, and even housework more than taking care of their children. Apparently though, this parent angst is fairly recent.
Back in the days before it was All About The Children, people had kids to contribute to the family income not drain it. Kids were doing real work like farming, raising livestock, and rendering fat to make soap so they could wash once a month. In fact, the reason the school is out during the summers is so that children could help with the harvest not so that they could be sent to summer camps that cost more than a new car. Kids back then actually made life easier and financially better for parents. And while this started to change as Americans left their agrarian roots, up until very recently, children still weren't the happiness black holes that they are today. Back in my parents' day, it was expected that dad would have a cocktail when he got home from work, mom would join him and we kids would be outside riding our bikes without helmets. Look at the parents in Mad Men. Do you think kids were cramping Don and Betsy Draper's social life?
The article also goes on about the usual suspects of not enough sleep, not enough sex, and too much stress as reasons parents are not living the Hallmark fantasy they thought it was going to be. None of this is news and it leaves out the real reason parents hate parenting: Because they are not having any meaningful conversations. Oh, I am sure there is an exchange of information that doesn't involve kids. (Honey, don't forget to pick up milk on your way home. Set the alarm for 6:00am. I think the toilet is clogged) But a deep conversation that doesn't involve (or is interrupted) by kids? Go ahead parents, tell me the last time you really sat down and talked.
Now you may think, Big Whoop. Who needs to have meaningful conversations? Well, according to a recent New York Time article, Talk Deeply Be Happy, anyone who wants to be happy. Or as the article says, "Substantive conversation seemed to hold the key to happiness". While it's well documented sex has taken a back seat in most parents' relationships, I think real conversation has been put in on the back bumper and is barely hanging on with some duct tape. Why? Because moms can get so wrapped up in discussing every facet about their kids, they start to live through their kids and then they start to lose themselves. What compounds this is moms tend to only hang out with other moms so they start to think it's normal to only chat about kids. And then, especially if you are living in a cosmopolitan high-income area, it starts to get competitive about everything from who's reading first to who is getting into the best kindergarten and it keeps going right into college. Exhausting. Moms, you're already so hard and judgmental on yourselves about the way you're parenting. Do you really want to be dealing with the sotto voce tsk-tsking of other parents because your child didn't get certain grades, finish as well athletically, or whatever the competition du jour is?
Fortunately, there's a solution to this. Start hanging out with your childfree friends. Step away from the mom friends for a moment and have a real conversation us. Because we're not talking about All Things Kids, we're more likely to be talking about something deeper than Sharpie pen mishaps on the carpet. And moms, guess what, we're not going to judge you at all because your kid didn't get into the most exclusive pre-school, magnet school, or college. Mostly, because we don't care. But also because we live outside of Parent World, we know those things are not nearly as important to your child's success as you think they are. So by eliminating all those conversation wasteland topics, we can discuss things that are more substantial. The NYT article goes onto say, "By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world." And moms, you could probably use this more than me since I am going to guess your world is a tad more chaotic than mine.
I am not saying you can only have meaningful conversations with your childfree friends or they are any deeper than parents. What I am saying is that with kids it's much easier to lump having thoughtful conversations in the same "I'll get to it when I'm not so busy" pile as sorting all your old pictures, cleaning out the junk drawer, and regrouting the tile. Eventually, you almost forget how to have them and feel self conscious about doing something so selfish sounding as having meaningful conversations.
So my advice is to practice with people that haven't forgotten: your childfree friends. We love these kind of talks. And once you've practiced with us for a while, it will be that much easier to actually have them with your spouse and even your kids. Who knows, it may make parenting so palatable, it might possibly pass housework on the pleasurabilty list.

Moms, your husbands are not complete idiots

Here's what you will never hear a dad say, " Oh I can't leave the kids alone with my wife, she doesn't know any of their schedules and who knows what type of mess I'll come home to." Once dad goes out the door he has enough faith in his wife that she will be able to keep the house and the kids in one piece until he gets back.

But moms do not seem to have the same amount of confidence in their spouses. In fact, they will almost gleefully point out that husbands can be like having another kid around the house. The big lovable dopes. Now here's the problem I have with this thinking. If dad can't be trusted to take care of the kids that means that my mom friend either has to cancel plans with me or she has to bring the kid along. And mimosa brunches are not that fun if everyone can't drink.

Moms: while I am sure that dad may not dress/feed the kids exactly as you would, so what? Is he really that much of an idiot? This exact question was answered by Ms. Magazine founder, Gloria Steinem. At a speech I attended, she mentioned that one of the top questions she would get is, How do I get my husband to help take care of the kids more? Her response was to actually allow him to do it. And not criticize the way he does it. I could tell this was not what the women in the audience were expecting. Why wasn't she talking about how irresponsible the men were? Instead, she told the moms they were partially to blame because they refused to stop thinking their way is the only way to take care of kids. Ms. Steinem pointed out that their husbands loved their kids and were smart enough to figure out how to get them dressed and fed. Maybe not perfectly but you know what they say about practice. The audience was somewhat outraged but couldn't really argue with the premise. After all, if we women want to claim that we're as smart as men, we can't really say men aren't as smart as we are. It's been years since that speech yet mothers haven't changed their way of thinking. M mom friends continue to protest (way too much) that their husbands won't do as good a job as they will. He won't prod the kids to do their homework correctly, he'll let them watch inappropriate TV, he'll feed them cereal for dinner. Once again, so what? You only learned to be a better parent with some practice. Let him learn. And ask yourself, is your need to be the Officially Best Parent, more important than having some free time away from the kids?

I think moms do know deep down that their husbands aren't idiots and won't let the kids leave the house with nothing but two mismatched shoes and a pair of swimming goggles. So what's with all the condescension? For moms who work outside the house, it's a way to assuage their guilt. Maybe they aren't with their kids like alpha stay at home moms, but at least they do a better job of taking care of the kids than their husbands. I discussed this topic with a working mom who explained that stay at home moms are especially likely to be sensitive about this topic. Because what if her husband is just as competent as she is at taking care of the kids? What's that say about her? He's got his big-ass important career. He has tangible proof-- the salary to support the family-- of his importance. So if he's able to figure out how to dress the kids then does that mean she's not as uniquely as important as she thought she was? Or, and here's the real deep secret, if he can figure out how to take care of the kids and have a success career, why can't she? So as long as dad never really gets the chance to take care of the kids, mom can safely say she's much better at it with no pesky proof to show her otherwise.

Moms, here's the big secret for you. No one, not your kids or your husband, is appreciating you more because you are always around. You're like running water. Extremely important, the family can't get along without it, but no one is grateful every time they turn on the faucet. You only come to appreciate it when a main water line bursts and you're without water for a while. So every once in a while burst a pipe-- just leave the house without planning for it like it's a space shuttle launch. Your kids will notice you more when you're suddenly not around (you know what the say about what absence does to the heart). And your husband will gain better parenting skills and more appreciation for how much you do. So let's go out to brunch. And if you still don't want leave your husband with the kids, who's the real idiot?

The Unspoken Rule Among Parents

When I was in high school, I went out with someone who was into Dungeons and Dragons, a popular game at among the nerd/geek/dork crowd. I figured if my boyfriend (who was not a complete social dork) was into it, how ridiculous could it be? But that's before I walked in on a game and this was some weird other universe that I had no idea existed.

And that's the same feeling I got when I started to look into the Mommy blogs. It's a whole different world. When I searched for posts about friendships with women without kids, here's what popped up at the top from from Work It, Mom

Another change you can count on as a new parent is that within weeks after the new arrival, all of your old friends disintegrate and are reformed into a brand new circle of friends. Who all have kids. It’s the Unspoken Rule of Parenthood: breeders and non-breeders can’t be in the same room together without bloodshed and explosions. Like mixing ammonia and chlorine bleach.

Bloodshed and explosions? That sounds worse than a diaper blowout. Here's the deal. I don't think it has to be like mixing ammonia and bleach. Especially when there is vodka and cranberry juice around.

What I want to know is, do most moms talk like this or is this more on the extreme side? Is the separation of tribes this deliberate? Would love to hear from both sides.